luxuryflower | personally

Marguerite Gautier loves a great many things. Extravagant dresses and expensive perfumes. The bonbons Count N. always fetches for her when she's at the theatre. The many balls she attends and the attention that is bestowed upon her when she's at them, but above all else - more than dresses, perfumes, bonbons and balls, Marguerite loves life. Fate, however, is both unfair and unkind, having destined the 21-year-old woman to die sooner rather than later, from the consumption passed down to her by her mother. This awareness of her own mortality, the recognition of her impending death and the underlying hopelessness it causes in her lies latent in all her actions, from her fondness of games and her outward appearance of gaiety to her insistence on not committing herself to any one man out of love. Life is simply too short for Marguerite to gamble her comfortable living for the sake of promises that she has seen broken time and time again, leaving her somewhat of a cynic in regards to the circles she frequents in general and men in particular.

Outwardly, however, she's a woman of coquettish charm and cheer. She's considered the most beautiful of the Parisian courtesans and only the men in possession of the means to sustain her (for she is indebted beyond measure) are allowed to enjoy her company. It's shown that she likes to play pranks on people when she is first introduced to them and this is the treatment Armand Duval must undergo as well. Perhaps especially, seeing how he is neither a duke nor a count and possesses no wealth worth of mention. His reaction of dismay, however, intrigues Marguerite. An intrigue enhanced later by his compassionate love confession. Many men have confessed their love to Marguerite during her career as a courtesan, but none have loved her for longer than their future brides or wallets allowed it. So she has chosen to accept the state of affairs and decided to be a realist about it, rather than a romantic - and she wants Armand to follow her example. For both their sakes. But unlike Count N. and unlike all her other suitors, Armand doesn't obey Marguerite's every command. He persists and it's this persistence which awakens something in her - something which has lain latent like her disease, if not perhaps with it. A need to be loved fully and wholly. A need to be seen as a woman, not merely as a beautiful courtesan. As Armand says he will. As he says he does. In her position, a desire of that kind leaves a woman very vulnerable and Marguerite the Realist consequently doesn't (dare) loosen the reins too much. Although she does agree to become Armand's lover, she insists that it be completely on her terms: She continues her life as before and he mustn't ever hold her lifestyle against her or be jealous of her other lovers.

In the beginning, it's within this framework their affair plays out. Marguerite dallies from one party to another, dances at one ball, then the next. She gladly accepts the Duke's diamonds and Count N.'s expensive bracelet - though, only the Duke is rewarded her full attention. Count N., whom she can't stand, is shown the much more cruel side to Marguerite - the side that will ensure he can't find a seat next to her or locate her in the crowd, the side that will make her slap him when he displays his jealousy too violently. The difference between how Marguerite treats those who have her favour and those who don't is tremendous, Count N. and Armand being the two best examples. While she awards Count N. with nothing but scorn for his unfailing adoration and many valuable gifts, she happily meets up with Armand in between all these parties and social events. Armand, whom she has already developed a strong attachment to - due to the fact that he makes her feel great joy, makes her feel young and very much alive from the throes of passion - although she still hesitates to call it love. Did she truly love him, she would not live the way she does. She would not force him to see her with others and she would not give herself to anyone but him either.

Seeing how she vividly remembers that on the first night they met, they were at the theatre for the opening night of a ballet performance of Manon Lescaut, Marguerite feels ardently that she must hold on to the belief that Armand will eventually leave her in the same manner every other man has. Because already on that very night, Marguerite knew she would never want to be like Manon, no matter how similar their situations seemed on the surface. Given the opportunity, she would not betray true love for the sake of riches. She would never cruelly lie in the face of such honest intentions. She simply would not allow it to become so. Would not become that sort of woman, not towards any of her lovers and now? Especially not towards Armand.

Thus, despite nursing very warm feelings for him, she makes no promises of her own, but neither does she deny him the full extension of her passion at the moments when they can be alone together. In this way, Marguerite avoids, from her own perspective, at least, making a liar of herself while at the same time maintaining her living standards as they have been up until this point, with the financial support and careful attention of the Duke. Armand standing on the sideline. Hidden. Her sweet and very public secret.

Naturally, as she should have realized, this particular arrangement can’t continue forever. While in the countryside, living in a house rented and paid for by the Duke himself, her hedonistic lifestyle and her duplicity in regards to her love life finally take consequence. Unexpectedly, the Duke shows up, catching Marguerite with Armand and giving her, in return, the choice – between him and his money or Armand and his love. One might not have expected it of her, but after several days in the lull of her own emotions, free of expectations and free of charge, Marguerite has tired of being a thing, sold and bought constantly. Thus, she makes the choice no one would perhaps have expected of Paris’ most expensive courtesan – she takes off the Duke’s diamond necklace, throws it before his feet and lets her actions speak for themselves as she pulls Armand and his love closer, wrapping his arms around her waist once more. Yes, Marguerite has made a choice. A choice in regards to her own happiness, for the first time ever taking it into consideration beyond mahogany furniture, silk dresses and porcelain from the far East. She wishes, rather than to live excessively, to live loved. Truly loved. Truly loving.

And for the duration of a brief interlude, she is happy.

Until, one day, reality comes knocking on the door of the small cabin in the countryside. Armand’s father seeks her out with a stern and yet, heartbreaking request. An order, rather. Stop this foolishness with my son or you shall be the downfall of his innocent sister as well. Oh, Marguerite is prepared to fight and to fight bravely for her relationship, the one she has chosen, with the only man to ever choose her, but Monsieur Duval is unrelenting and in the end, she cannot bear the thought – of ruining the future of a girl whose face must look like a feminine version of Armand’s and whose innocence mirrors Marguerite’s own, from ages long gone. She accepts. She accepts that it was never in her place, as a courtesan, to experience the happiness that Armand has bestowed upon her. Because a courtesan never owns herself, she has sold herself too many times for even a single, small piece to be left. Of her heart.

Once Monsieur Duval has left, Marguerite packs all her belongings and follows him. Back to Paris. Back to the Duke. Writing Armand a note that will ensure that he never, never again loves her with the pure love that wasn’t hers from the beginning and shall never be hers again.